Great Article, If Your Readers Are All Morons

In honor of being healthier, I have read some really terrific articles on health and fitness lately, including this masterpiece over at It is entitled, “10 fast foods a pregnant woman could love (and five to avoid).” Before you get all excited, let’s note that their version of fast food is different from everyone else’s version. We think, “Something I can buy through my car window when I have 10 minutes between clients.” They seem to think, “Something you can plan for, buy in advance, bring with you, and then eat if it hasn’t spoiled in your car by the time you want it,” which is not so much a fast food, as a food-food.


Here is why their list bites:

  1. Fruit! Oh my gosh! I’m such a stupid pregnant woman! I never realized that I could eat fruit without a steak knife. Thanks! I’m so relieved to know that apples still transport well, just like before I got pregnant and lost my brain.
  2. Yogurt: This tip is a bit risque, no? I mean, who, besides the majority of Americans, eats yogurt? I like the way you think, Babycenter!
  3. Raisins: Not actually much of a food, between being loaded with sugar and tasting like God’s Only Mistake. Oh, and the part about still being starved to death after eating 1.5 ounces of anything also makes this a terrible idea.
  4. Homemade Trail Mix: Snacks are now meals? Yes!
  5. Salad bar, inside a deli or restaurant: Wait, what’s fast about putting together your own lunch and then waiting in a line to pay for it?
  6. Baby Carrots: Yes, some brilliant farmer figured out how to take the deformed carrots and chip them down into something that looked like baby corn, which everybody loves. But like everybody knows, fruits and veggies start to lose their nutritional punch when they’re picked, and especially when they’re sliced. So this is a nutritional no-go. Also, they’re not that good. And they get soaked in chlorine, so that’s yummy.
  7. String Cheese: I guess. Really? Don’t people stop eating this in elementary school? Now perhaps if you could buy “String Havarti” or “String goat cheese” I’d bite.
  8. Fortified OJ: This is just a bad idea, given that pregnant women take sugar and turn it into fat like nobody’s business. Eat an orange and take a prenatal. This is fake advice that contradicts everything you know about dieting. Granted, an orange is not fast food, but neither is anything else on this cruddy list.
  9. Whole Grain Cereal or Instant Oatmeal: I admit that my belief that “fast food” means “I can eat it with one hand while I’m driving” may skew my perception, but how easy is it to actually put together a bowl of cereal in the average office? Do you bring a quart of milk with you at the start of the week? Pack your “fast food” in a thermos and Tupperware? And Instant Oatmeal? I don’t have a microwave in my car, which is where I work. Also, it’s gross and mushy.
  10. Fat Free or Low Fat Cottage Cheese: Again THIS IS NOT FAST FOOD. This is just food you don’t have to cook.

If they had a little more respect for pregnant women, and realized that 1.) we’re smarter than this, and 2.) most of us are too busy to think about what we’re going to eat at all sixteen of our snack breaks, they might come up with a list like this.

  1. Chipotle anything. Skip the excessive toppings if you’re worried about calories. The burrito tortilla is about 300 calories, so go for the bowl if you have time to fork it.
  2. Subway Whole Grain 12″ Veggie Delight or Not-Too-Meaty-Whatever. Don’t be an idiot with toppings and cheese, but if you’re heavy on veggies you won’t need to eat for another 45 minutes, Fat Stuff.
  3. Any drive-thru with a salad: Use a vinaigrette and skip the crazy amounts of meat and cheese. Or don’t, just be aware of the calories like the grown-up you were before you got pregnant and the grown-up you are now.
  4. McDonald’s: I’d avoid, but if you can’t, try a grilled chicken sandwich. If BK is an option, try the veggie patty. Obviously Coke and fries are loaded with calories, which are great for your baby and your cellulite. So Super Size It!

And the avoid list they provided?

  1. Packaged Ramen Noodles: Is this directed at pregnant college students? Based on the amazing baby-name-discussions on the site, this is entirely possible. Or maybe not college students so much as youngsters with a knack for bad decisions, like getting pregnant out of wedlock or eating Ramen Noodles.
  2. Soda: Hmmm, I think I read this somewhere, that soda makes you fat. I wish I was smart enough to remember things.
  3. Shelf Stable Commercial Lunches: I thought stable was a good thing? I just don’t understand what could possibly be wrong with food that can be wet, room-temperature, and live forever. That sounds just like real food to this pregnant ninny!
  4. Too Many Frozen Prepared Meals: Got me there! I thought that eating the same few meals, over whose quality I have no control, was a good idea. Next time I’ll try being less of a lazy preggo and actually pack a lunch. Thanks Babycenter!
  5. Iceberg Lettuce: So now what am I supposed to eat? I took a trip back to the year I was 13, and decided to keep those amazing eating habits. I’ve never heard of “the darker the green, the better” or “eat a rainbow of foods.” I’m really glad that somebody decided to inform me that my habit of going to McDonald’s and ordering a head of iceberg when I really need something fast was a bad idea. It’s really time to cut back on this.

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