Shunning
I have a cousin who has left the Catholic priesthood and gotten married civilly, has two children, and works as a civil servant. He refuses to have anything to do with my family because some people expressed concern that he should at least get laisized. He sent my sister a horrible email, instructing her to never contact him under any circumstances. This was after she responded in a friendly way to what appears to have been an inadvertent invite to a social networking site. My sister, who was the closest to him, and had hoped that he had finally cooled down, is crushed. He has made it clear that there is nothing we could say or do to reach him, and we aren’t even sure why he’s mad at the entire (rather large) family because of comments made by two...
Read MoreWho’s the Victim Here?
To be clear, I think it’s marvelous that people, even feminist-types, are talking about female fertility and “waiting too long.” It seems that it’s not so politically incorrect to mention that fertility wanes and not everybody can get pregnant with fertility treatments. That’s good in that maybe some younger women will feel more comfortable choosing family while they’re fertile and focusing on career later. But, can I just bring up the fact that as devastating as a series of IVF miscarriages and non-starts must be, what about those babies? Reading this article, I was struck most by the fact that, as much as the writer was sensitive about the subject, at least, as sensitive as one can be when one accepts the premise that one can...
Read MoreHow Buying a Minivan is Like Dating
My mother-in-law loves this. After five years of her telling me how great her minivan is, and me telling her that I would rather die than drive a van, and that a little piece of my soul would die every time I turned the ignition (despite knowing that I wanted a large family), I have decided to get a minivan. Just in time for my 10 year high school reunion! So, I started looking casually online. Zoe is four-months-old, and I’m 28-years-old. If I want six kids, I need to be open to having them a lot closer than 3.5 years apart from here on out. But with two five-seater cars, neither of which can actually hold three car seats, we would need a new car by the time Baby Three arrived. Really, I’m cool with getting a minivan, especially if I can get one that...
Read MoreBi-polar Parenting
Wolfie has turned another corner, and I can now bear to be in the same room as him for more than ten minutes. We’re back to sweetness, silliness, and a beautiful lack of raging tantrums. It seems like he comes into a good space just as I’m about to put him up for adoption. I feel bad when I hear other mothers exult in the beauties of motherhood, and discuss the discouragements as though they’re easy to handle. My discouragements don’t feel so easy to handle. I just want to throw the towel in and go pack my bags sometimes. For real. I would take Zoe with me, but I know that when she starts asserting her will and being sassy, my fuse will get short again. I have a cockamamie theory. If I have enough kids, things will get easier. Two kids...
Read MoreExcuses v. Reasons
One of my pet peeves growing up was that my mother would pile the work on high, and then ask for that one little thing that just couldn’t be squeezed in. “I’ve been hearing your excuses since the day you could talk! You’ve always had a reason for why you couldn’t help out.” This diatribe would ensue after one had pointed out that she demanded straight A’s at a top school with eight classes, no lunch or study hall, while working 30+ hours to pay for all of one’s own expenses, and there happened to be four tests the next day, and now “all [she was] asking for was a little help in the (horrifyingly filthy) kitchen”….at 9 PM at night. Years of this has made me very, very sensitive to the possible...
Read MoreGoodbye Grandma
My grandmother died this past weekend, at the age of 90. She had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for a long time, hiding it for the first five years, unable to for the last five. She has needed continuous care, in home, for the last few years; her caregiver has helped my grandfather bathe, toilet, dress, and feed Nana. The family has stepped in with regular visits most days of the week, mostly to keep my grandfather connected. My mother, who has easily been the most generous in the care of her mother, says, “If my mother had known what was coming, she would have put a bullet in her brain. She would never have wanted people to do so much for her for so long.” I know what she means. My family is relatively affluent (or at least, my grandfather has...
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